Thursday, August 28, 2014

Choosing Lilies

So if you've read my previous post, you know I recently suffered a miscarriage.  I could write pages on the pain, the guilt, the feelings of helplessness, but that is not what I am choosing to do.  One day I popped in a mixed CD of songs I found meaningful and some that were suggested to me by others.  A song caught my attention while I was driving.  Sometimes, I would skip this song because I felt being Held was not enough.  

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
~Held sung by Natalie Grant, written by Christa Wells

But this day, when I had left a party because I hold back tears that burst from my eyes when I saw a newborn baby and my mind automatically went to "I might never have that again" (yes, I know I am lucky to have ever had that at all), the words spoke to me. This was about 2 weeks after surgery, and for a long time I was numb, but suddenly I could feel everything again.  

This is my second miscarriage.  I had to make  a choice, would I let this make me bitter or make me better?  That's exactly what the words were saying to me.  It would be easy to choose anger and let it consume me.  Why were my babies lives taken from me?  Why is having children so easy for some people?  I could let the bitterness suppress the sadness, but what would that mean for my life?  I don't want to be that person.  Sometimes bad things happen, and we may never know the reason, perhaps, sometimes there is no reason.  But if we let those bad experiences shape our lives in such a negative way, then we lose.  I will not allow this to be my child's legacy.

The second part of that verse made think.  If I am not going to hang onto the bitterness, what is in store, what would that mean for my life?  The songwriter chose to be more symbolic here.  Obviously it was hopeful, but not being an expert on the meaning of flowers, I had to look it up.  Lillies of the Valley are the one of the first flowers of spring and represent--wait for it--the return to happiness.  Despite how much I was hurting, yes, someday I would be happy again.  I am actively choosing those lilies.  

To try to return to happiness, I'm taking some steps.  Because of the pregnancy, I'd stopped working out-which is a source of happiness for me-- in addition I was concerned about returning to work looking heavier after I'd been doing so well.  So before surgery, as my anniversary gift, my husband bought me PiYo.  I am loving it!  Almost 3 weeks in and 4-6 pounds down!  We do want to try to conceive again so I wanted something that was a little less intense than T-25 for the time being.  We have a referral to see a reproductive endocrinologist, so hopefully that will help.  Family and friends have shown their love in a variety of ways, one of which is just listening and letting me talk about this.  I'm also following the lean eating plan that came with it.  To help get in all the veggies the plan call for, I bought a NutriBullet.  There will be a later post with some recipes, I'm sure.  I'm working on getting some things in order around the house.  

Now for a little bit of randomness... Lilies of the Valley happen to be the birth month flower for May--which is when my grandmother(Erma) was born.  We used to walk in her backyard sometimes and in the back, beneath this big old tree, was a patch of lilies of the valley.  I'm going to have to look for them this spring.  I  hadn't thought of that for a long time until I was looking up the meaning of that flower.  Here is the story behind the song.  

1 comment:

  1. You're in my thoughts. What a beautiful post. I've been lately trying to "choose gratitude" in the midst of the stress of life. I am curious about PiYo, what is it? I find T25 has been so intense, I can't keep up with it after a week or two, I'm so tired and sore (esp. with a new job). Also, just wanted to say that you'll love the Nutribullet. I've had mine a year and OMG it's the best. Kale every day for breakfast :)