Choosing Lilies

So if you've read my previous post, you know I recently suffered a miscarriage.  I could write pages on the pain, the guilt, the feelings of helplessness, but that is not what I am choosing to do.  One day I popped in a mixed CD of songs I found meaningful and some that were suggested to me by others.  A song caught my attention while I was driving.  Sometimes, I would skip this song because I felt being Held was not enough.  

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

~Held sung by Natalie Grant, written by Christa Wells

But this day, when I had left a party because I hold back tears that burst from my eyes when I saw a newborn baby and my mind automatically went to "I might never have that again" (yes, I know I am lucky to have ever had that at all), the words spoke to me. This was about 2 weeks after surgery, and for a long time I was numb, but suddenly I could feel everything again.  

This is my second miscarriage.  I had to make  a choice, would I let this make me bitter or make me better?  That's exactly what the words were saying to me.  It would be easy to choose anger and let it consume me.  Why were my babies lives taken from me?  Why is having children so easy for some people?  I could let the bitterness suppress the sadness, but what would that mean for my life?  I don't want to be that person.  Sometimes bad things happen, and we may never know the reason, perhaps, sometimes there is no reason.  But if we let those bad experiences shape our lives in such a negative way, then we lose.  I will not allow this to be my child's legacy.

The second part of that verse made think.  If I am not going to hang onto the bitterness, what is in store, what would that mean for my life?  The songwriter chose to be more symbolic here.  Obviously it was hopeful, but not being an expert on the meaning of flowers, I had to look it up.  Lillies of the Valley are the one of the first flowers of spring and represent--wait for it--the return to happiness.  Despite how much I was hurting, yes, someday I would be happy again.  I am actively choosing those lilies.  

To try to return to happiness, I'm taking some steps.  Because of the pregnancy, I'd stopped working out-which is a source of happiness for me-- in addition I was concerned about returning to work looking heavier after I'd been doing so well.  So before surgery, as my anniversary gift, my husband bought me PiYo.  I am loving it!  Almost 3 weeks in and 4-6 pounds down!  We do want to try to conceive again so I wanted something that was a little less intense than T-25 for the time being.  We have a referral to see a reproductive endocrinologist, so hopefully that will help.  Family and friends have shown their love in a variety of ways, one of which is just listening and letting me talk about this.  I'm also following the lean eating plan that came with it.  To help get in all the veggies the plan call for, I bought a NutriBullet.  There will be a later post with some recipes, I'm sure.  I'm working on getting some things in order around the house.  

Now for a little bit of randomness... Lilies of the Valley happen to be the birth month flower for May--which is when my grandmother(Erma) was born.  We used to walk in her backyard sometimes and in the back, beneath this big old tree, was a patch of lilies of the valley.  I'm going to have to look for them this spring.  I  hadn't thought of that for a long time until I was looking up the meaning of that flower.  Here is the story behind the song.  

T-25 Beta Results

Well I finished Beta, and was quickly met by a virus going through my family.  It was one that liked to hang on.  I missed an entire week of working out, but I'm back in the game now, actually 2 weeks and 2 days into Gamma!

I finally took some pictures, too.  I got sick right when I finished Beta, and then I did not want to do after shots when I hadn't worked out, so I put them off.  I am 10 pounds down and feeling much better about myself.  In fact, I believe in my self and my ability to change my body.  That's huge for me.

Without further ado,

Getting Toned!

My "Skinny" Jeans Fit

With one week left of T-25 Beta, I mustered the courage to try them on.  They've been put into and pulled out of the donation bags at least three times, and worn one time since my son was born.  He was three months old and I was taking him to the zoo with a girlfriend.  I was rocking a muffin top but I blamed most of that on skin that was still recovering from 9 months of stretching.  My mom saw me getting changed and commented about how much flatter my stomach looked.  Filled with new found bravery, I reached into the back of my closet and pulled them out, carefully inserted one leg at a time, pulled them up, did a quick squat, and grabbed that zipper.  And it went up. And the buttons buttoned. While they were still tight--to be fair they are A&E stretch jeans--they were looser than they were when I squeezed into them to go to the zoo, when I was the lightest I've been since J was born.  I'm pretty sure that's how it feels to make it to the top of Mount Everest.

All of this makes me very curious about what the scale will say next week.  I know that my lightest postpartum weight was about 20 lbs lighter than what I was at the beginning of this journey, but  I really don't think that I have lost that much.  I guess we'll see.  A few other pairs were tried on, and while they don't quite fit, I now have hope that they will.

I've talked about T-25 here but not too much about the diet changes I've made.  Since my beachbody coach made us take some pictures of the food we ate sometime for our challenge, I figured I'd share some.  I'm not the most committed dieter, and I allow myself to cheat on the weekends, but this challenge has definitely cleansed my palate.  Mainly I've been swapping processed foods for more whole food options, eating more small meals, eating more veggies, and I started to eat nuts as a snack--who knew!

My favorite mid-morning snack, craisins and almonds.  I put 1/4 cup of each in a container almost everyday and snack when hunger strikes.  If I eat it all, that's about 300 calories.  

 This I do as lunch or a snack.  Snap peas and hummus.  I like to have carrots with them too.  Carrots and Snap peas, practically no calories.  I measure out a serving of hummus which is about 130 calories.  If I pack that for lunch I usually add a Greek yogurt and an apple.  Both of these snacks take a long time to eat for a relatively small amount of calories, which is what really helps me, because I can house like 10 cookies in them amount of time it would take me to eat either of these and possibly not even feel full.

 Finally here's a dinner I cooked.  What's missing?  That's right, carbs.  I have tried to minimize the amount of carbs I eat after my workout.  Can you believe as a kid I refused to try things like asparagus!?!?  I'm so ashamed of myself.  I really just started to cook it this year thanks to pinterest, and I'm sort of obsessed.  Mix 1.5 TBSP of olive oil with one clove of grated garlic, some salt and pepper.  Roast in the oven at 425 for 20 minutes.  SO GOOD!!  Soon we will be grilling it! I can't wait

If I'm hungry after a workout I'll often have a rice cake with peanut butter and a small cup of milk  to hold me over until dinner.  Finally, I take this drink to get some apple cider vinegar goodness in which, among other things, helps your body break down fat and get it off your belly.




See ya in one week  with my T-25 10 week results!

Thanks Coach

Today marks the end of the 60 Day Challenge I've been doing with Coach Bendel.  She created a facebook group to keep us accountable, and that really helped me stick to my commitments.  It was fun to participate, and of course Steph had some *creative* assignments. I lost one more pound this week.  Clearly, I have not yet mastered the art of the selfie, but I think you may be able to see some progress!  Working out and eating better will continue to be a part of my EVERYDAY life.  Thanks for helping me to make this change!

T-25 Progress

Here are my progress pictures as promised in my previous post.  The first one is from this summer because I did not take a before picture.  At then end of Alpha I am down 8 pounds and feeling a lot better.   The scale has wobbled back and forth a little which I attribute to muscle gain; I feel much stronger. Beta is fun so far and I feel a lot more sore on the day we use weights.  I have some more revealing pictures, but I'm not comfortable sharing that with the world wide web at this time. 

In addition to exercise , eating cleaner has been another priority.  I've been trying to focus on getting a protein and veggies at lunch and dinner (breakfast is on the go in my car, usually toast, a banana, and coffee), reducing my carb intake, and eating more small meals through out the day.  I definitely have and enjoy a cheat sometimes, but it has really helped to cut out the overindulging I would do.  

I am proud of myself for sticking to this and thankful for friends who encourage me and keep me accountable.