The M Word

Where have I been?

Well first there was the end of the school year. 
Then I stopped making progress with my workouts
In hopes of something better
And, if I am honest, because I was scared.
Which in the end didn't matter 
Because it happened
Again.  

We were ecstatic with our little secret.  We tested positive at the end of June.  There were visions of little hats with shamrocks I'd be creating for our March baby. I went in for my ultrasound at 9 weeks 2 days. There was no heart beat. The baby is too small. 

And now I am in limbo again, awaiting some tests and a long talk with the doctor about my options.  I already know my options.  I have been down this road before.  Miscarry naturally (could wait for weeks--and having been through this before a miscarriage at 10+weeks is more painful than delivering a full term baby in a variety of ways) or have surgery (which I have never had and it's the same procedure as an abortion but my baby is already dead).

So this is where I am at.  A little depressed, a little scared, and a little bit in denial.  Uncertain of whether or not my hopes of having another child will ever be realized. It feels too familiar. 

I need to share this because I know I am not the only one.  1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage (2/3 for me--lucky I am not in The Hunger Games--you know, odds not being in my favor and all).  Yet few women talk about it openly.  I know I will miss and wonder about my babies the rest of my life.  I dream about them.  I'll picture them with my dad and grandma.  And I'll always wonder, Why?

But I'll bounce back.  That's what I do.  I'll keep moving with one more scar on my heart. 

Sending love to all the moms have faced pregnancy and child loss.